Hello!
It is so nice to be greeting you again.
I didn’t know how to start this post after an unintentional six-month break — one variant was an extended analogy that involved BBC’s Call the Midwife??? — but it truly is so nice to say hello again.
A few days ago, a good friend texted me, ”u need to continue your substack.” This particular friend has the gift of encouragement, and so here I am! Continuing! Thank you to Friendship™ for sponsoring this blog.
Prior to the NBA season starting, another friend invited me to the church fantasy basketball league…and I regretfully declined. Looking back, I should’ve just joined in on the fun instead of overthinking whether I’m actually interested in waiver wires, but the invitation still inspired me to research fantasy draft picks. And while the stats are fun to read, I know that if I had joined draft night, my binder of research would’ve been full of random, sentimental reasons to draft players. So, without further ado, my nonsense version of ESPN’s Top 10 Fantasy Basketball Player Rankings!
1. Nikola Jokić: Nikola Jokić, how do I love thee, let me count the ways. I would draft this man because I want a Horse Girl™ on my team. I would draft this man because he is a thespian. I would draft this man because he has the confidence to wear a floral print dress shirt and orange drawstring dress pants at the same time. And if I drafted him in a church fantasy basketball league, I would name my team, “My Jokić Is Easy.”
2. Victor Wembanyama: Last season’s Rookie of the Year is very good at blocking shots on the court and taking them off it. In an interview with Sports Illustrated, he said, “Some of them [NBA players] are really impressive and inspiring in the way they approach the game every night, but others that I used to like and now it's like, nah, I'm not sure that they deserve it. They don't seem like they put in as much work as I thought." That’s right — Wemby is locked in, and the other slackers can snooze their way to losing seasons while a 20-year-old French juggler takes my nonexistent fantasy team to the top.
3. Luka Dončić: Before Luka moved to the cosmopolitan mecca that is the greater Dallas-Fort Worth region, he spent his teen years in Spain with Real Madrid’s basketball team and learned Spanish. I would draft Luka based on this side-by-side comparison of his Duo Lingo Platinum Level Español with Blake Griffin’s “Hola Mexico” alone.
4. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander: Other than the fact that my Canadian friend gave me a pocket-sized notebook that looks like a Canadian passport which basically makes me SGA’s compatriot? Other than the fact that I know the words to “O, Canada” unironically? Alright, Canadian pride aside, I would draft SGA because in last season’s wonderful run to the West’s No. 1 seed, he and his OKC teammates routinely saved their best interviews for local OKC reporter Nick Gallo rather than for big-name national stations. This commitment to local journalism makes SGA an easy draft pick for me.
5. Domantas Sabonis: I must be honest. I do not know who this man is; sorry to this man. This is how I know I don’t work in sports anymore, but he looks like a nice guy and I hear Sacramento has a great home crowd!
6. Giannis Antetokounmpo: Giannis and I both love smoothies. Giannis and I both love a generic tweet. Giannis and I both have been in a Honda Fit before. The similarities are endless, and thus, I draft Giannis.
7. Tyrese Haliburton: Tyrese Haliburton now lives in the same state as Caitlin Clark which inevitably means he will now be getting even better at basketball. Also he’s a self-aware Olympic gold medalist. That’s all I need to know!
8. Anthony Davis: I honestly do not have very strong opinions on Anthony Davis. Both of us have prominent eyebrows??? So I’ll draft him???
9. Ja Morant: There are many stories about Ja Morant on and off the court, but for the purposes of this draft, I will be focusing on the fact that the Memphis Zoo had a giraffe named Ja Raffe in his honor. To my knowledge, giraffe christendom is a distinction no other NBA player has.
10. Jayson Tatum: “In Jesus Name I Play” is Tatum’s Instagram bio and another strong church fantasy basketball team name contender. What can I say — he’s Deuce’s dad and the Celtics might run it back this season and once again he is Deuce’s dad. Case closed; he’s on my team.
Alright, that’s the top 10! I’m curious — are you playing fantasy basketball or football this season? Do you have a favorite fantasy team name? I truly believe a good pun makes watching sports 10 times better.
I hope you’re well, that this autumn treats you kindly, and that I’m right in thinking Domantas Sabonis truly is a nice guy and that he’s not secretly canceled or something.
Have a lovely Friday!
Courtney
There’s NO DOUBT THAT ESPN purposely makes these horrible rankings as click-bait.